PHOTO: DARA SCULLY
“Depression comes as a gift that stops one from hurrying briskly, confidently into the market. Stops one from rushing to the shopping center to buy one more bargain blouse for an already overcrowded closet. Stops one from emptily mouthing what one no longer believes in anyway.
“Depression stops time… and one settles into one’s own waters as a sailing vessel without wind… without wind… without momentum…and one sinks into one’s depths.
“And somewhere, deep inside, in the beehive tomb, one sits alone… and weeps.
“Depression comes as a gift asking that a woman recognize her own substance and trust it as the quiet, steady voice of her own truth. As she trusts it, hearkens to it, attends as it unfolds, she learns that of herself never allowed to develop when her allegiance was with the collective…”
“Depression serves a woman is it presses down on her, forcing her to leave behind that which was not herself, which had influenced her to live a life alien to her own nature. Her suffering, now substantial, insists that she no longer deny its truth.
“She can no longer ‘keep stiff of her upper lip,’ or ‘pack up her troubles in her old kit bag and smile, smile, smile’ or, as one woman struggling with her weight said, ‘rise above it all.’
“…Depression asks that the attitude towards one’s life be changed, that the source of authority be recognized as no longer outside, but now deeply within, that one relate to each event, task, and moment of one’s life personally, subjectively…”
“Present-day society is afraid of depression. Whatever it resembles – reflection, introversion, a drawing within for quietness – may also be feared.”
“Suffering is feared and the sufferer outcast. Collective attitudes have evolved fostering archetypal masculine doing and achievement values. As woman entered the work realm outside her home, there was little alternative but to adopt those values. There was little recognition that her processes as woman was of a different nature or that doing/achievement values were not complete or valid for her.
“The issue is not whether woman can achieve, but that preoccupation with achievement may deny a descent into her deeper nature which a woman must make to touch her true strength. The masculine must perhaps fly to fulfill a part of its heroic nature. But woman, pressed to fly, may lose herself and be prevented from descending into her depths, prevented from fulfilling her own feminine nature.
“For through her descent, she touches the power of the feminine, the power that comes of being, not doing… the power of wisdom in the face of a very old woman, a face on which one reads, ‘I know what I know.’
“A woman through her descent, touches a deeply feminine authority, as different from the authority of the masculine as is the moon from the sun.
“It is an authority not of abstracted, rational, objective knowledge, but an authority which allows her to speak from her own unique experiencing of life, from her own deepest personal conviction.
“A woman prevented by her own fears or cultural attitudes from making this descent, is left to speak only from her achievement-oriented side rather than from a deeper experiencing of herself as a woman.
“Because present-day society has not understood, has feared the process which woman must undergo to claim her power and wisdom, has recognized only the masculine process, women have been left little alternative but to speak ‘as men…’
“Woman herself has become alienated from her need to sink into herself. She has begun to expect herself to have the energies, emotions, and attitudes of the masculine. It is a tragic token of the lack of recognition of a separate and unique feminine process…”
“A woman could be helped to understand her depression as a passage of initiation to claim her own soul and wisdom to be shared, later, with other women as they prepare for their own passage. She’s is taught, instead, to fear her experience and to loathe herself.”
“…It is this meaning, emerged from her own suffering, that allows a woman to descent, each time anew, into her own depths, to be present to the truth and wisdom lying there. For only by her willing descent can she uncover, again and again, the meaning of her life.
“Can we come to a new understanding of the feminine process toward wholeness? Can we, as women, take it upon ourselves to deepen within ourselves and each other and appreciation of the descent in the feminine process?”
~Judith Duerk from Circle of Stones: Woman’s Journey to Herself
I would like to add that although Judith is speaking exclusively to women and what she calls “the feminine process,” I believe it applies to men as well as it is something that is even more denied in their experience and needs to be encouraged.
Feminine or masculine, yin or yang, exist within each of us and the bigger message should be to acknowledge “the feminine process” in each of us, for this descent is something we must all face as we meet the edges of ourselves to grow.
While tough amidst the breakdown, may we remember that it is truly an initiation and the way to the other side of the old self and old skin and all ways that must be acknowledged, seen, felt and transmuted to be left behind.
Blessings dear sisters~
~MM
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38 comments
Eva Hallvik says:
Dec 7, 2013
funny how synchronicities are bopping right along on my path of connecting the dots; what i am saying is that just yesterday i was having this conversation, as i am on my was out of the deep dive surrender into the “leave me alone, i can’t do this anymore!” i felt scattered like a tumbleweed in a storm where the winds came from all directions. And then when i finally decided to attach to something it changed, and there i sat in the meaninglessness of it all. It took a couple weeks for me even to admit to myself that i wanted off this ride, “let me out,” i called while walking down a lonely road away from any other homes. People would tell me that this was a good powerful place to be, blank faced i looked at them, and only once could i muster, “oh, really, have you ever tried it, or have you just read about it?” Not that i want others to suffer, but i want them to manage their own lives and get their damn suggestions out of mine. It took awhile also to even come up with some sort of answer to the question that some who cared enough to get that close “What to you need, how can i help you?” finally i felt i just need listened to deeply. i just need held. I really wanted somebody to take care of me, and then i fought that feeling too.
I could go on, and appreciate what Judith Duerk writes here. It is a message so real and pertinent to this mysterious adventure called life. Thank you I am off to help somebody move today; thinking maybe as i witness their process i will find more peace in my unesettledness.
Tory says:
Mar 30, 2017
Free knowledge like this doesn’t just help, it promote deymcraco. Thank you.
Erika brown says:
Dec 8, 2013
Nicely said Eva ^
Venus says:
Dec 8, 2013
Your messages come in right when I need them so….its amazing how you can see the messages that mean so much and resonate so deep at the most perfect time….Thank you..
CASIMIRA says:
Dec 8, 2013
Mamma, I just read this aloud to my Mom and Aunts, so timely, so powerful…ThankYou !!! Blessings xoxo
Sunshine Bear says:
Dec 8, 2013
secret lies inside the soul awaiting to be seen _ opening a portal for one to speak unleashing the wild woman who’s eyes and ears are one with all _ she walks in beauty with all creation and all who know her roar can see her bliss as she is the light that finds her right ..the birthright that is held inside of her heart and waiting to be heard inside of her heart_ she walks with abundant nature and finds all she needs inside the quietness of her heart – societies magic is inside her waking dream….and sleeping inside of it all _ she who knows herself knows the goddesses of the universe and must share her path for all to be…awaken sleeping spirit ….awaken……blissful beautiful angel…namaste my love
julia eriks says:
Dec 8, 2013
I have struggled with depression since I was a teen. Now in my late 40’s I have lost count of the times I have needed to start again from the very depths of my soul back out into the world again. And I wish I could say it gets easier, or not as difficult, or less painful…I can’t. But I can say that it is different now. Different in the sense that I have dug deep before and know that as always it passes.
I know I am a strong woman.
I know this although for those who are outside looking in, it seems nothing of the sort. That may be exactly what is the most difficult to be with. That fact that I am perceived as weak, as sad, as lame, or broken makes me feel misunderstood. It invalidates the strength and the power I know are mine inherently and that also must be honed through the process of living with depression.
Im not sure initiation is what I feel when depression fills me up. But I do know there is an alchemy to it when it releases me. Like a diamond after the compression it must bear. I shine in a way like no other. I am again bright.
Moonleaf says:
Jan 31, 2014
Really beautiful. ;-)
Ashley Fielden says:
Mar 4, 2014
That was really beautiful and raw and true. I feel the same way… I desire greatly for those who struggle against depression so see what you just said. They are strong and they are very bright!
Zenith says:
Feb 11, 2016
Oh my God, JULIA ERIKS!
I can SO get you my dear! SO, SO, SO, get you! Pardon the excitement but it is heartening to see someone going through something similar and actually putting it into words. You are strong my dear and you don’t need to prove it to anyone, not even to yourself! You power lies in seeing and changing the subtle which a lot of people cannot even fathom. Abide in yourself and let your sensual feminine, softer (which is seen as weaker by this stupid world!) side of you just flow. The world needs it pronto!
I don’t know what the future holds for me given that I am going through several inner confusions (I see them as clearing the debris!) since a decade now. Health issues and no steady career was a dent to my ego- always been dominated by my logical side. I am still coming to terms with the gratitude and the act of receiving and trusting the process of life and I hope, I’ll be ok. The ambitious, wanting to change the world business graduate is no longer there in me and though that shocks the people around me, I know she’ll make a comeback but in a softer, more fun avatar :)
Have a great time exploring yourself. Cheers!
Lynn says:
Mar 31, 2017
) Il s ont tous un nom puisqu’ils ont gardé les étiquettes d’origine! Alors mon préféré est le petit ” arbres à came” parce que c’est celui qui a subi le plus joli effet de peB.eurt…niut good, je dois avouer que je trouve que c’est une drôle de question!!!!!!
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Shivani says:
Dec 8, 2013
I agree that this process is one that is sorely missing in our modern culture. Esp the European migrants, us WHITEYS! We have lost all contact with the very essential initiations into adult hood, that gave us recognition by the tribe and a means of putting ritual to a major life passage. This is one aspect of one major life passage, there are so many that account for our painful cultural impoverishment that has spiraled into the far reaches of the shadow world. I believe there is a calling us back by the Great Mother, She is done with her sleeping/retreat of the last 2000 years, and is waking us all to heal and regain this lost tribal essential within us. To reconnect as Her child and emissary. I agree also that the men in our culture are perhaps the most wounded and lost from this connection. They innately have less easily accessed flow with the Great Mother, thus the ancients of all cultures would focus great and deep initiational rites on the young male. To help them break thru this barrier and find with in themselves that which is the means to connect to Her. We can call it the deep feminine I suppose, it is by what ever name an umbilicus that avails us of Her power and support. The Earth MOther herself.
cress says:
Dec 8, 2013
there is so much growth and connection to your true self..when you venture into your own depths…what I am realizing is the deeper you go within the those dark places the more joy you can feel and really appreciate the ebbs and flow of life..
sAREGH says:
Dec 8, 2013
yes. this seems to be a really challenging time for a lot of women/men/folks..not just the occasional bad day or blues…it seems to stop one in their tracks
polly says:
Dec 8, 2013
rob brezsny’s horoscope this week for my sign:”Not all darkness is bad. You know that. Sometimes you need to escape from the bright lights. It can be restorative to sit quietly in the pitch blackness and drink in the mystery of the Great Unknown. The same is true for silence and stillness and aloneness. Now and then you’ve got to retreat into their protective sanctuary. Dreaming big empty thoughts in the tranquil depths can heal you and recharge you. The magic moment has arrived for this kind of rejuvenation, Virgo.”–My 1st depression that I am aware of was about 55 years ago,freshman year at college–the BIG one was 20 years ago and I am still working my way around that—For me it seems to have always been caused by the insistent voice saying “you can’t do that-you can’t have that-you shouldn’t even want it” That voice hasn’t disappeared, but I no longer believe it-which is the biggest benefit of these ‘descents into the darkness’
tecumseh says:
Dec 9, 2013
um. As someone who has been suicidally depressed, and worked closely with more than 500 depressed people over 15 years, my experience of this essay is that you dont know what the hell you are talking about. Get real. This is an essay about feeling a little low, needing some downtime. That’s not what depression is. Terrors. Total hopelessness. Zero ability to feel pleasure. Sleeping for 24 hours a day, or not at all. No appetite for weeks. Absolute zero self-esteem. No motivation whatsoever – to eat, shower, get dressed. Crying for hours each day.
Depression is not was you describe it. Get out of your solipsism hippie
mm says:
Dec 9, 2013
@TECUMSEH I honor your truth and only wish you would be able to share it without so much hostility and disrespect. There are obviously different levels of depression and this passage shared is not meant or trying to neatly summarize “depression” or chronic depression like what you speak of which is another issue altogether.
This passage is not speaking to chronic depression, but to the experience of hitting the lowest places like you speak of and understanding that experience of facing our own mortality, this “death” experience, losing all hope and will, and literally descending to the depths is part of the feminine process. It is something that myself and MANY women have experienced and is not often talked about. So I’m sorry that this did not speak to what you have experienced but please do not be so dismissive of others insights on something that is quite real and unique to each of us.
Slynn says:
Jan 17, 2017
Exactly!!
tecumseh says:
Dec 10, 2013
I’m afraid it’s your article that’s dismissive, and in the passive aggressive sense, hostile. This basically dismisses the experience of millions of people, tries to take ownership of something neither of you has experienced, and prescribes an interpretation and solution that are both totally inappropriate for many people.
You may not intend to speak to all forms of depression, or chronic depression, but you dont offer any distinctions, and neither does the original author.
That’s pretty hostile if you ask me, and I’m just reflecting it back.
mm says:
Dec 10, 2013
Dear Tecumseh~ Nobody is trying to take “ownership” or dismiss the condition of depression. Like I mentioned before I deeply honor your experience and I ask that you honor mine and others as well. This is part of the healing that has to occur. Nobody has ownership of anything and we are all entitled to express and relate to the great Mystery in the way that is truest for us. I offered this passage because it was helpful to me, in the hopes that it would be helpful to others. As with everything if does not resonate with you then leave it. But there has to be room for everyone’s experiences to be honored and respected.
M says:
Sep 18, 2015
Dear Tecumseh, it is 2 years later and you probably won’t see this, but I am also one who has struggled for a lifetime with suicidal depression. So I have some active understanding of what you say and feel. I also recognize, however, after 40 years of nearly always living with some degree of depression, that it is the same depression. It’s just sometimes just a much deeper color, having darkened from light blue all the way to black, with no relief or light in sight.
The suicidal depression that overwhelmed me some 35-40 years ago and stole nearly a decade of my life is the same sometimes mild and sometimes deep depression that has haunted me off and on to this day. Fortunately at that time, when I was able to get out of bed and do something again, I stumbled onto a couple of very talented and caring psychiatric social workers who left me with good tools to negotiate my way through. I am out of work and living with depression, right now, as I write this.
The difference in every subsequent episode is that I’m no longer mired in it; no longer drowning in it. I have learned to swim through it. To tread water (barely) when I am too worn down by it to swim. To let go and float through it when I am too worn down by it to tread water. And to breathe through it when I am too tired even to float and simply sink to the bottom. And to forgive myself for it, accept and even welcome and embrace the respite it provides.
I have learned to pace myself through it, gaining enough energy while sinking to get done what needs to be done each day, before allowing myself to sink again.
And I have learned through experience that the murky waters will in time recede and the veil of darkness lift. And I have fortunately been able to find a way to keep myself financial afloat long enough to reach the shore and walk again.
I would say those deep, deep depressions are caused by being forced to live in a very sick, even toxic society that doesn’t reflect our humanity, and doesn’t allow us the necessary periods of introversion to reflect on and honor our true natures. So the need builds to desperation, and then we collapse into the deepest depths without having developed the ability to swim or navigate the waters. Like being dumped into the ocean have never been in water above our ankles before.
You were clearly depressed when you wrote this, but you are managing your depression by projecting it outwards toward others, versus inward toward yourself. Projecting your anger towards others who “hurt you” because you do not understand or agree with their words may, in the short term, help you feel better. However it will not, in the long run, increase your undertanding of the causes of your own suffering nor bring you solace nor healing.
I say this with respect for you because I have been where you currently are.
Namaste,
M
Melissa says:
Dec 11, 2013
I greatly appreciated this article. I have experienced depression numerous times in my 44 years and have to say that reading this was beautiful. I left work today because I couldn’t stop crying. My daughter emailed me your site and this was my first time viewing it. I thank you for openly acknowledging what so many of us experience. It was very validating and helped remind me to look at the experience from a new perspective. It’s time for us to embrace all of our emotions, honor and learn from them. Thank you again from the depth of my being.
Judith H says:
Dec 18, 2013
I really resonate with this…which is giving me further insight into the practice of the medical community which attempts to ‘solve’ the conundrum of depression with “anti-depressants” that merely confuse and disconnect further.
The process of and learning to acknowledge, embrace, and delve into the mystery of the vacuum to find ones-self and to hear what is hiding in fear, shame or loss is a necessary part of life. Making friends with “depression” to find it’s meaning- is empowering and healing. It merely wants our time with self and being unafraid to welcome that experience for the true insight and depth it brings….Thank you for this wise affirmation.
Michelle says:
Dec 27, 2013
You are very accurate about different levels of depression. To the out side world I look lost and suicidal. However I’m not. I am just merely taking a break. I do not wish myself or my thoughts on ANYONE.
There are times during what people call depression I envy them. I for a second wish I could be as naïve to the world as they are. However my true and real personality will never let that happen.
I call it hibernation or rejuvenation. To call it depression was never an idea until I started to let/believe humans unable to except the unseen/spoken.
Judy Marie says:
Jan 3, 2014
thank you for sharing this. I found this sight searching for a better understanding of something I heard yesterday that resonated with me. To be mystically orientated, or TO NEED TO DO NOTHING. To many that can look and even feel like depression, I know it did for me at first. We live in a world of people always doing. Always doing, does not leave much space for just being. Even taking time to meditate is something we do.
I am endeavoring over the next few weeks to just BE. Allow, trust, accept and be grateful for every moment of it. I intend to fully embrace and experience what it means TO NEED TO DO NOTHING! Blessings to you all on this journey.
Jordan says:
Jan 13, 2014
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
strega says:
Jan 15, 2014
I read and reread the posts by everyone, thanx you all so much! the posts by “tecumseh”, i felt deeply, and i feel i can empathise a little with, something in the depth of feelings expressed inbetween the words,, between the words intended to pierce.
I read a cry for connection, a call out for community, for exceptance. I believe part of depr.. the leason in the depth, for me is re-learning my connections, were i am presently connected to the web of life.. especially if that connection is pain or suffering of some kind, that needs to be owned by me, brought back into exceptance. I find,, in hindsight, that my mild trips into the depths begins with an unregistered sense of discconection, of division,, individualism fronting as uniqueness. when i find myself ‘zombiefied” by life and the very real limitations of our society. When i was in the military i found myself seeking depression for the familiarity of numbness, i didnt know how to respond to lifes situations, i had no community yet to share my truths with and i fled inward into my compartments of depression. I think i hear you tecumseh, it must be difficult to feel so shut off from others, to feel so paralyzed by choices. To feel as though life is chrushing you to death. I have never experienced depression in the way you expressed here in words, but i know some who say they have and i wish you community, exceptance, and connectivity. I wish you freedom and peace.
joyful Anne says:
Jan 20, 2014
a very helpful way of looking at it. thank you for sharing this perspective. i agree wholeheartedly.
i accept a lot of pain and internal suffering, i even go through periods that when i come pout i wonder if i’m completely “mad”. thank GOD the divine wisdom of being an Earthed Woman, i have not resisted my journey, altho its been extremely uncomfortable at times. i find MUCH validtion in allowing myself to intelligently believe that i am sha-woman…my processes are not isolated or meaningless. i believe i contribute to the whole, and certainly i see evidence in this later part of life that my presence and understanding affects and often helps others to also grow. even when it may be perceived as a negative or conflicting meeting
Alisa says:
Jan 23, 2014
Yes, it is a tragedy … we have been so deeply disconnected as a culture to divine feminine, and honouring many of the integral feminine processes.
Attributes which are seen as “weak”, “mindless” and “shallow”, once we release judgment can lead to a very profound feminine awakening and wisdom. I have seen the signs.
And yes, as a culture we ignore the power of the Void and the much needed Release, expecting the woman to have this fake plastic smile as a model for “everythings A ok”.
Well it is less then ok, the earth, our mama and our connection to divine has been raped and pillages and humanity has been on the brink of self destruction. And all this because woman is disconnected from her Goddess essence. From her connection to her body, and the body of mama earth. From this sacred knowledge that has been stifled away and persecuted for millenia.
Thank you for giving two voices to this. I will give my voice as well and let the voice of the sisterhood get stronger. Let us remember and reclaim the sacred feminine path …wherein lie the mysteries of creation…
Natalie says:
Feb 1, 2014
mm, I appreciate this contribution especially since I’ve just take part in a 21 day Yogini Sadhana where we focused on the descent of the Goddess Inanna to the visit her Dark Sister, Ereshkigal in the Underworld. A deeply transformative experience. I especially appreciate your personal comment at the end. This is a process that both men and women need to be open to experience in order to return to our wholeness, individually and collectively. Blessings
elizabeth says:
Feb 9, 2014
sometimes i get depressed when i compare myself with my partner, who seems to have infinitely more energy for achievement than I do. Thank you for sharing this. it is confirmation of something I am trying to learn. My wisdom is unique unto women, and equally as important. It brings strength equal to yet different than a man’s. both are precious. Mahalo
Shelbybee says:
Feb 27, 2014
Such a beautiful and powerful post! I was so moved I went directly to the library and checked out ‘Circle of stones’. I deeply relate with Duerk’s thoughts on depression, a woman’s need for connection with other women, and society’s pressure to rush through emotional processing and instead focus on achievement. I have descended many times in my 33 years and each time I emerged with a deep personal wisdom and rediscovered strength. Judith’s book has inspired me to create a circle of women in my own life.
Raquel says:
Aug 6, 2015
Thank you for this. So beautifully articulates something that I’ve recognized in my own life but haven’t quiet been able to express. I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teenager and I’ve learned that each descent into the valley of depression yields a more spectacular view from the other side of the summit. It has taken years for me to recognize and accept the gifts and opportunity for growth that stem from depression. This is incredibly powerful, thank you again for sharing. I’m so happy to have found MAMMA MYSTIC !
Tatiana says:
Jun 2, 2016
Deep deep thank you, so grateful you are that someone posting this and helping us all reconnect <3
Shelley Anne says:
Feb 15, 2018
Our culture regards “depression as an illness” a way of keeping the organic process of our being oppressed. Our divine creator created every spirit complete. If we allow ourselves to listen to our cycles they will tell us when to go inward…to reflect…to breath…to be. Thank you MM for sharing such vital wisdom💜
nichole says:
Sep 3, 2018
I am currently depressed and am regarded as major depressive. but I was released from the military and had experienced the abuse that comes with doing well but because I am a woman it isn’t regarded well. either way. nothing is ever good enough you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. being a woman in this world is a horrible plight but deep inside I feel its beautiful but we are just so under appreciated and disregarded I feel living this way is futile. So I gave up. I recluse to my room and haven’t left just remained hidden. I am starting to see a faintness of maybe I can find something more worthwhile in school or volunteering, Maybe I hope. but this article in particular reminds me what I go through
Kath says:
Sep 9, 2018
Nichole, out of necessity one enters the military- a “choice” after which one relinquishes choice & follows orders for awhile. Many of us do what’s best for “family” the collective and lose sense of self; then WAKE UP and don’t respect the self that gave away prime care for self. Hoping we can trust there IS a PURPOSE for us & way to find ourselves.